"All right -- now, tell us the story of where the Jaegerkin come from."
In de beginnin' (I vasn't dere, y'unnerstan, but dis is how dey tolt it t'me) -- in de beginnin', dere vas darkness. An' Gott (who vas paddlin' around on de vater in a rowboat kind uf t'ink) said, "Let dere be light!" And den it vas too bright.
So Gott, he said, "Vell, dat didn't vork so vell. How ken ve fix dis? Hi know! Let dere be land!" And de mountains and valleys and schtuff like dot popped out of de vater, and dot vas hokay. But it vas schtill too shiny hout. So Gott said, "Let's heff sometin' to lie down on!", and de grass grew up. And den he said, "And some bigger plents, too? Vat you vaitin' for?", and de palm trees and schtoff popped out, and Gott had some nize shade to rest in. And dot wasn't so bad.
Den Gott (who het, you know, a shot attention spen) said, "Let's heff some kitties!" Cause Gott, he likes kitties. Kitties iz cute and all det. So he created de animals to fill de land up. And dere vere big nasty beasties vit twelve legs unt a hundret eyes, and long, sharp nasty fengs. And dere vere birds flyin' arount in de air, vit long sharp nasty fengs. And dere vere de cutest little kitties you could ever vant -- vit long, sharp nasty fengs. And Gott said, "Vell, ten for ten for consistency, anyvay."
And den Gott t'ought he might as vell mek somebuddy to talk to, so he said, "Let there be pipple". So he schkooped up some mud, and blew on it to get all de dirt off. And he sqvished de mud for a vhile, until it looked kind uff like him (and because, you know, sqvishing mud is fun), until he created de first man-Jaeger, and he call't him Igor, because dot's vhat you call de guy who you vant to follow you haroun't. And he tol't Igor dot all de birds and beasts and kitties vere his to take care uff. And Igor said, "Lunch!", and started to eat all of dem. And Gott said, "Vell, I suppose dot's vhat heppens vhen you give him teeth like dot."
And den Igor, he tol't Gott, "Hey, vhere are de vimmen-folk? Hain't much fun vitout de vimmen-folk!" And Gott couldn't argue vit dot. And so he ripped out Igor's lungs, and made dem into Eva, de first voman. (De lungs becuz, you know, de vimmen like to talk.) And Igor, he said, "Hokay, Gott -- dat's good. Ken ve heff some privacy now?" And Gott learned vhat it's like to heff teenagers.
And Gott pointed out to Igor dat he should cover up his Lifebumps. In fact, he made dot his first Commandme't: "T'ou shal't cover d'y Lifebumps. Becuz, you know, othervise the birds of de air shall poop on dem."
"Excuse me. Lifebumps?"
Yeh -- you know, Lifebumps. De little bumps on de top uf de hett. Oh, right -- you pipple don' haff de Lifebumps. Dot's vhy you so easy to kill.
Anyvay, so Gott created de Tree uf Hets, an' he tolt Igor an' Eva det dey vere to tek hets and vere dem all de time. An' Eva, she said, "But de hets iz so plen! Dey don' heff style or fashion or schtuff." An' Gott, he gott all pissed off at det. "Vhat? My hets ain't goot enough for you? Vell, to heck vit you!" And he kicked Igor and Eva out from under hiz holy Palm Trees, and tol't dem to go fin' dere own trees. And he pretty much didn't talk to de Jaegerkin efter dot. Gott hold von heckuva grudge, y'know?
And Igor, he got all peevish vit Eva, tellink her dat she lost dem a goot deal. And besides, vhere vere dey goink to get hets now? And Eva growl't at him, and bit him, and et his spleen, and generally show't who vore de pants in dat relationship. And Igor learn't dat de vimmen may be cute, but you don't mess vit dem. So he vent and founded de h'oldest profession in de vorld -- Haberdasher. And he made de hets in all vays. He med big stately purple hets. He med small elegant furry hets. He med flet caps vit horizontal stripes. (No accountin' for taste.) And all de Jaegerkin gott de hets, and dey vere all heppy. And dey vent out into the vorld and et de beast and de birds and effen de kitties sometimes (at least, de vons vit de long, sha'p fengs). And de Jaegerkin vere pretty heppy.
"I'm still trying to understand the Lifebumps. What do they do?"
Dey holt de Life, yah? Hiff you don' heff Life, you ded. And dey let de Jaegerkin share de Life aroun't. Hiff dis Jaeger get hiz arm ripped off, de oders giff him some Life to grow hit beck. Hiff you get you spleen eaten by a spider vit long, sho'p fengs, de Tribe giff you some Life, and you grow hit beck. Hiff you gets you hed ripp't hoff, or you Lifebump sqvished, den you out of luck. But oddervise, you in pretty goot shep.
Hennyvay, von dey, de Jaegerkin iz out doin' vhot de Jaegerkin do, chasin' a huge flock uff birds (vit long, sho'p fengs) arount for dinner, vhen dis big hole hopen hup haroun't dem, and dey run right t'rou it. Not all de Jaegerkin, min't, just de vons dot vound up here. De rest uff de Tribe is still beck on de Jaeger vorl't, vhere dey gots de best hets and de best critters to eat.
At this point, Dr. Merlot attempted to look under the Jaeger's hat, and the Jaeger attempted to eat Dr. Merlot's arm. No further details were forthcoming.
Characters In Game: Beetle Dimo Jenka Maxim Oggie Silas
All Characters: Beetle Dimo Jenka Maxim Oggie Silas
The following were notes made while this was in development. They do not necessarily represent the final state of the thing.