The following is mildly biting and nasty, but not *nearly* as nasty as it started. And when a satire wants to come out, nothing in the world will stop it. So... The following work is completely fictitious; any resemblance to any real events, or persons living or on the Board is, of course, strictly coincidental. And I have this wonderful bridge in New York... -- Justin du Coeur Generally silly person Pinky and the Brain, episode #782: "Payment on Demand" FADE UP: [Pinky is running on his wheel, and Brain staring at the blackboard, as usual.] Pinky: What are we goin' to do tonight, Brain? Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky -- try to take over the Known World! CUT TO: [Outside of ACME Labs. Song:] [Dum, dum, dum, dah dee dee dum, dum, dum, dum] They're Pinky and the Brain, They're Pinky and the Brain, One is a genius, the other's insane. They're members of the Board, Spending all we can afford; They're dinky, they're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain! [Doodle dee doo de dum!] OPENING SCREEN: Payment on Demand DISSOLVE TO: [Brain is standing in front of his chalkboard; it is covered with mathematical formulae, and lots of dollar signs. Pinky runs in, brandishing a letter ten times his size.] Pinky: BRAIN! BRAIN! Look! Oi got a letter! And it's wonderful news! Brain: Not *now*, Pinky. I'm trying to figure out how to finance my latest scheme to take over the Known World! All I need is two hundred thousand, four hundred and sixty dollars, and I will be able to afford my new Event-o-Tron... Pinky: But Brain, listen to this: [He sets the letter down on the table, jumps on top of it, and begins running across it, reading as he goes:] Pinky: "Congratulations! You are the latest winner in the latest Mouse of Style Sweepstakes!" (Gee! Oi've never won anything before!) "You have won this magnificent washer! Just send $723 shipping and handling to Mouse of Style by midnight tonight, and it will shipped to you immediately!" Pinky: Just think, Brain -- my own washer! I've never had a *washer* before! I wonder if it will clean behind my ears? *Narf*! Brain: Pinky, that's it! Are you pondering what I'm pondering? Pinky: Well, I think so, Brain, but won't they notice that it's a donkey on the throne? Brain: No, Pinky, it's an answer to my financial difficulties! We will send a letter to everyone in the Known World, convincing them that they are *winners*! And all they have to do to win is to send me lots of money. With that money, I will be able to purchase a new Event-o-Tron, and use it -- to take over the Known World! CUT TO: [Brain in front of the lab computer, jumping from key to key. He stops, and says:] Brain: Finished! "Congratulations! You are one of the lucky few selected to continue participating in the activities of the Society for Creative Anachronism! To cash in on this fabulous prize, send just $35 (for processing) to: Brain, c/o ACME Laboratories, Milpitas, California. Signed, Brain, Chairman of the Board, and definitely *not* a mouse attempting to take over the SCA." Pinky: [Standing on printer] Ooh! Ooh! Can oi be a winner too, Brain? Brain: [Beat, looks at camera, then pushes Print button. Letter shoots out, knocking Pinky off back of printer.] CUT TO: [Montage of shots as the letters get assembled:] [Pinky on top of file cabinet, straining as he lowers Brain down to the handle. Brain reaches for handle, raises it -- and the door flies open as hundreds of envelopes come pouring out. The envelopes hit Brain; cut back to Pinky on top, who gets whipped off the cabinet. Thud.] [On the copier. Pinky is standing on the autofeeder, holding the master copy of the letter; Brain is on the control panel.] Brain: Is the letter correctly aligned, Pinky? Pinky: Um, yes, oi think so, Brain! [Brain jumps onto the Copy button. The autofeeder catches the letter, and drags it in -- along with Pinky, who is still holding on. Cut to the top of the copier, as copy after copy of Pinky, looking slightly squished, start coming out.] [Standing on top of an envelope, flap side up. Pinky is at the back end, Brain at the front of an enormous bottle with a sponge on the end. Both are straining.] Brain: Move towards the flap, Pinky! [They do.] Now, lift your end, so the water flows into the sponge. Heave! [Pinky straightens his arms, so the back end of the bottle is now significantly raised. The sponge comes off with a "pop", producing a wall of water that washes both of them off the table.] DISSOLVE TO: [A very tired Brain leans against a huge pile of now-sealed envelopes. Pinky (bright and cheerful as ever) is next to him.] Brain: Now, all we need to do is purchase enough stamps for all of the envelopes. We will need $682.29 for postage; I shall go retrieve it from the petty cash drawer. [He leaves. We stay with Pinky, who begins whistling. He pulls out a pair of swimming trunks and begins changing into them; he then whips out a life preserver and a little tiny yellow ducky (and maybe some other bathing paraphernalia), and begins to saunter off-screen. He is halted by:] Brain: [racing on] Pinky! There is less than fifty dollars left in the petty cash drawer! Someone has stolen all the rest of the Laboratory's money! Pinky: Oh, no, Brain, nothing like that. Oi needed the money to pay for my new washer! [He points, and the camera scans over to shiny new washing machine in the corner of the lab.] Would you like to join me? Brain: [beat] Please wait here a moment, Pinky. Pinky: All right. [Brain walks off screen, and re-emerges a moment later carrying a large envelope. He opens the flap, scoops Pinky into the envelope, closes the flap, and starts jumping on the lump in the envelope for a couple of seconds (with Pinky making appropriate "Ow! Ooh! Eee!" noises). Then he begins to walk off screen again, muttering:] Brain: Cashflow. My downfall is cashflow... Pinky: [emerging from envelope] Gee, where are you going, Brain? Brain: To make plans for tomorrow night. Pinky: What are we going to do tomorrow night? Brain: The same thing we do every night: [scary lighting] Try to take over the Known World! They're dinky, they're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain! [doodle dee doo dee dum!]