Race To The West Pole

The following is the beginnings of a script for The Race to the West Pole, written by Dan. Next time, we really should fill this out, and set things up so that the Circus has reason to do a performance...

Race to the West Pole

This play is less a challenge to act than it is to stage, as most of the stage directions are flat-out impossible with no preparation. Well see how inventive our little madboys are.

Dramatis Personae:

Lucretia Mongfish: mad mad mad mad.

Assistant to LM: long-suffering, subtly manipulates his mistress to keep her on plot

Bill Heterodyne - Good-guy madboy. More enthusiastic, but genial

Barry Heterodyne - Good-guy madboy. More genial, but enthusiastic

High Priestess -

Klaus Wulfenbach - Play up the futile attempt to maintain his dignity

Punch - played as dumb - cannot talk

Judy - played as dumb - cannot talk

SCENE 1:

Open curtain - Assistant speaking to a highly advanced construct, which he is actively in the process of sabotaging. The construct is lashed to the lab table and gagged.

Assistant (reviewing the plans): Capable of lifting 5 corpses in one hand…(lifts a handy corpse, straining at the effort)…that’s almost 3 times my strength!

Construct (gagged): MMRPGH! (3 times?)

Assistant: And twice my brains! Oh, fie, and curse the day I asked for a raise!

Construct (still, tragically gagged): Mrpghthg! Mfmwemfmwfem mewmf mwegmgmth!

Assistant: I suppose that is true. And yet, I think she will put your pretty little hide on the back-bunsen, there to rot. Another letter has arrived. (waves the letter in front of his face, sniffing) It’s from him.

Construct: MMM! (fades to a rattle as the assistant finishes shorting him out)

Assistant (looking about, furtively): I pray the mistress is in a good mood

Lucretia Mongfish (bursting on the scene): Of course I am! It is a glorious day…FOR SCIENCE!

Assistant (covering up his work): Has the trap been set, mistress?

LM: Yes, and soon…all of the Heterodyne secrets will be mine!

Assistant: Yes, mistress, of course mistress. And yet….

LM: And yet what, fool? Am I not Lucretia Mongfish? Am I not the greatest of all that dare to call themselves masters of what the peons refer to as science? I, who hold in my grip the reins of the world…what is that behind your back?

Assistant: Nothing mistress, merely more pleas for mercy from your subjects.

LM (deadly dangerous): Is…that…all?

Assistant (trembling): Your subscription to Thermocouples Monthly has expired?

LM: No…that! (grabbing his arm and wrenching it off, pulling the letter out of his twitching, amputated hand) It’s from him! (opens and reads the letter. All freeze, lights to dim blue.)

Klaus (voice from off stage):

My mistress' eyes are like the sun;

	The constant gravitation holds me in her sway

The flares of her eyes leave me undone

	When her prominences I survey

I have seen triffids, here from outer space,

	With no such sting as in her tongue; 

Phototropic, turning towards her grace While frozen, grinning, stung.

A minion I could never be, My mind my love inters Still my heart lies in her grip My heart is bound to hers

signed….a great admirer.

LM: (clutching the letter to her chest) Another love poem from Bill Heterodyne!

Assistant; That voice sounded an awful lot like Klaus Wulfenbach…

LM (ignoring the last remark): Ah, I have him now! He thinks to conceal his identity, but this was clearly written on 31# paper with gold edging (tasting the gold) …gold isotope 194, which means that it must have been made less than 1.6 days ago, else it would have broken down lead and cottage cheese by now! By observing the decay rate…

Assistant: There’s a return address on the envelope.

LM: WHAT?!?!?

Assistant: It says “Beetleberg Grande Hotel duClanke - hosting Geniuses and stabling their Minions in the Grande style of the ancient Atlanteans”

LM (growls): …by observing the decay rate I can build a detector to trace the path of the letter back to its source!

Assistant: I’ll pack the bags.

LM: Pack the bags! We’re leaving…for Beetleberg!

Bill Heterodyne: You! Minion! Why am I tied to this table? And where are my pants?

LM (enters): Who has deactivated my beautiful frogs?

 

Bill Heterodyne: Don’t tell me you fear the experiment

LM: I fear the result

 

Touching goodbye - the brother doesn’t trust her.

LM: Do not tempt me! Your brother approaches, and I must go! (exploding bananas)

 

BH: …there..you will find… the pole of my heart.

 

Misc bits:

Punch and Judy start throwing pies

LM: Kneel, you miserable minion!

LM: Is that a wrench in your pocket…?

Chase scene in the novices quarters

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West Pole is a pellucidar - a kingdom beneath the earth spinning at great speeds, keeping our world stable like a gyroscope.

Win race by stopping the outer world, spinning around the globe 150 times in ten seconds, then dropping off at the pole itself.